good friend of mine who adopted a baby girl from China often tells me that it has been the greatest experience of her life. Her dedication and parenting spirit is exemplary, and her daughter, now in first grade, could be the poster child for what happens when adoption goes well. My friend and her husband are truly great parents and their little girl is flourishing.

It was comical, however, to hear that upon learning that my friend’s daughter was adopted, a neighbor said, “Oh, you had a child the easy way.” The easy way? When was the last time someone told you that having a child was easy?

Of course, this neighbor was referring to the fact that my friend did not have to go through a pregnancy in order to become a parent; but to say it was “easy” or that she didn’t go through “labor” is a bit ridiculous.

Adoption is one of the greatest bonds that can be created between adults and children. Some people choose to adopt because they cannot have children biologically; some simply want to open their home to a child in need. The reasons are as varied as the people involved, but it starts with the desire to be someone’s parent. What many people don’t realize, however, is that adoption takes at least the same level of commitment as having children, and the process of adopting can often be even more emotionally and physically exhausting than going through a pregnancy.

QUESTIONS TO CONSIDER
Deciding to have children is a big deal, but adoption comes with its own particular set of questions and concerns. A few things you may want to think about include:

1. How do you feel about not being genetically related to this child?
2. How do you see yourself discussing adoption with your child? When do you think this is appropriate?
3. How will you help your child understand his or her pre-placement background?
4. Will you be able to maintain your child’s positive association with his or her background and culture?
5. Are you open to dealing with birthparent issues? What level of openness are you willing to consider?
6. Are you willing to adopt a special-needs child?
7. What age child do you want to adopt?
8. Does gender matter to you?
9. Can you accept that adopting a child of color will mean that your family becomes a family of color?
10. How much time will you take off work during and after the adoption?

Perhaps one of the most important self-assessment questions is this: Deep down do you feel that you are being forced to adopt because you can’t do it biologically, or that adoption as a means to build a family is “second best”? These are not easy questions and often require a particularly deep level of soul searching.

THE WAITING GAME
For many adoptive parents, the process, and the waiting, creates a level of anxiety that they have never experienced. Whether independent or agency-assisted, adoption involves the support and scrutiny of outside organizations. You are asked to prove your worthiness as a parent in ways that are not usually required of birthparents. You have to be willing to open up your home and your life to a state-regulated evaluation, or home study. If you are adopting internationally, you must be able to leave the country on short notice (forget about using frequent flyer miles), and some countries require that you plan an extended stay before leaving with your baby.

You may think that the anxiety ends after all this hoop and hurdle jumping, but it doesn’t. Just like a biological birth, adoption is forever. It requires the same level of parenting commitment while adding another layer of emotional responsibility. Adoptive parents not only deal with their own feelings about adoption, but their child’s feelings as well.

BE OPEN ABOUT ADOPTION
Preschoolers’ thoughts about adoption are almost entirely affected by their parents’ feeling and attitudes. The Child Welfare Information Gateway recommends making adopted children feel connected by sharing the excitement of the adoption process — the day you got the call from the agency, what it was like picking them up, and the first time you saw each other. As time passes, and the bonds of trust strengthen, your child will be able to make sense of his or her own unique adoption story.

My friend has an exceptionally good relationship with her adopted daughter but has just recently encountered challenges that were inevitable. At school, some of the other children want to know why she doesn’t look like her parents. “Were you adopted?” they ask, as though it was everyone’s business to know. It takes a little extra care and attention to teach a child that she can have boundaries and that her personal life is her own.

GIVE GUIDANCE
Although most preschoolers want to hear how they were adopted, older children tend to wonder why their birth parents were willing to give them up. Some children think this happened because there was something wrong with them; others fear that they will hurt their adoptive parents’ feelings if they want to know more about their birth parents. This presents a tangle of emotional issues that adoptive parents must deal with, and as adopted children progress toward adolescence (a challenging period in any situation), the emotional matters become even more complex. Identity development, self-esteem, and genetics are just a few of the areas that require additional attention in an adoption situation.

Parenting is one of the most challenging jobs there is. Adopted or not, children need the careful guidance and support of a concerned adult who is committed to them — and few experiences so completely combine love, anxiety, frustration, and joy. Although adopting a child does not involve a pregnancy, it does involve its own set of challenges requiring a particularly high level of determination. In many ways, becoming an adoptive parent requires even more focus and commitment up front than becoming a birth parent. In either case, there is nothing easy about it because when it comes to having children and embracing the complexities of parenthood, there is no such thing as “the easy way.”