Are You Still Pregnant?

or some reason, when faced with a pregnant person, most people can’t find a thing to talk about besides “the bump” — as if there’s a flashing neon sign on your belly that shouts, “I’m pregnant and unable to have a conversation about anything except being pregnant!”

To prepare you for the onslaught, I’ve provided a guide to the comments you’re most likely to hear.

Over and over and over again.

My advice to you? Smile politely and just move on. And remember, everyone has the best intentions (most of the time).

"YOU'RE DEFINITELY HAVING A BOY/GIRL!"
We all know what the old wives tales say about carrying boys vs. girls. During my second pregnancy, one of my mom’s friends stopped me and said, “You’re definitely having a girl!” I silently begged her to stop right there. Alas, she continued, “I can tell it’s a girl because I see you’re carrying in your behind!” Actually, I already knew from an ultrasound that I was carrying a boy, so was I pleased to hear that my butt looked big? Um… no.

“YOU'RE HUGE!”
For some reason, if you’re sporting a bump, people feel that they have the right to compare your size to that of the last elephant they saw. My friend, Kelly, almost collapsed in tears during her 6th month when not one, not two, but three women stopped her in the pre-school parking lot one morning to tell her — with delight in their faces — how huge she was.

“HOW DO YOU FEEL?”
What you want to say: “Pretty lousy considering the two grape-size hemorrhoids I found this morning, the Franken-veins on my legs, the shooting pains in my crotch, and the fact that the two breakfasts I’ve already eaten this morning are about to do a reverse swan dive and land on your shirt.”

What you should say: “I’m feeling well, thank you.”

“ARE YOU STILL PREGNANT?”
Most of my friends’ pregnancies seemed to go very quickly. For me, that is. One’s own pregnancy tends to drag on much like Bush’s second term. So, when you run into someone you haven’t seen in a while, she may be shocked to see that you’re still pregnant (as if your gestation period should be better coordinated with her schedule).

I became pregnant with my third son in the spring. The summer came and went and apparently I had the audacity to show up in the pre-school parking lot in September, still pregnant (with 2 months yet to go). At that point, most people were bored with my pregnancy and had actually started talking to me about other things!

Being pregnant is the quintessential icebreaker. That’s why everyone from the scooper at the ice-cream shop (who discreetly held the comments when I returned for the third time in one day) to the shoe salesman (who politely ignored my frighteningly swollen feet as I tried to stuff them into an only-somewhat-stylish shoe) feels entitled to have his or her say. Just stick it out and pray that once you have your baby you don’t hear the most-dreaded comment of all:

“So... when are you due?”