Advice for New Baby & Marital Equality

 

Dr. Susan K. Perry tackles your questions...
big or small! 

 

 

 

After James and I married, he was the most egalitarian guy I could have imagined. We both had full-time jobs, and we took turns making dinner, doing the housework, and taking care of the errands. But it seems the same week I took maternity leave, whatever deal we had going fell apart. Now that I'm home with our baby (and plan to stay here for a couple years at least), am I supposed to revert back to doing all the housework like my grandmother did? And does he get to put his feet up and read the newspaper when he gets home, like his father did? I can feel my resentment growing by the hour. Help!

When a baby enters the family, often the new mom and dad automatically take on the roles they learned from their own parents. Yet, as mothers, we have already given up a lot: control of our bodies during pregnancy and breastfeeding, and a certain degree of independence because someone is utterly dependent on us now. It doesn't seem fair to give up our hard won equality with our mates, too. And it doesn't have to be that way. If anything is a test of how well the two of you can work out compromises, this is it.

The parent who isn't home all day doesn't see all that goes into being a full-time parent, especially of an infant or toddler. I recall how hard it was just finding time to take a shower. Those very few moments required plenty of scheduling, and became even more improbable after the birth of our second child.

Trust is involved in re-jiggering your mutual responsibilities. I don't recommend the "I do this, you do that" list-making method, which usually devolves into tit-for-tat thinking. Bad for the relationship. What you can do, rather, is take one another's word for fatigue levels at certain times of day, and attribute goodwill to one another, never arguing with words like "should" or "shouldn't" (you shouldn't be that tired, you should do more).

Better choices: "This is tougher and more tiring than I expected. I find I have more patience with the baby if I don't have tons of housework hanging over me. Would you take on dinner duty five days a week? I'll be flexible about your choices, if you try to cook or buy meals that give me the nutrition I need." That's just an example. It would have worked for me; it may not work for you. Although you may have gotten away without having to articulate the arrangement you had before, now you have to use words to adjust that unspoken agreement. "I love you" and "I appreciate you" are some of the best, so don't forget to sprinkle them around freely.