Marriage Issues with New Baby: Husband Feeling Displaced

 

 

 

Husband Feeling Displaced

Since we brought home our baby, my husband has been feeling displaced. Most of my focus goes towards our baby now, and he feels like the proverbial low man on the totem pole. Before having kids, it was just the two of us for many years, which was great. Now two people need me, and the little one demands so much of my time and attention. Help!

In the early weeks after my own first baby was born, my husband went to work every day and I stayed home. Our lives began to diverge sharply. Although we'd felt close before the birth, he now seemed like a stranger, so big next to the tiny infant with whom I was spending all 20 of my waking hours.

This post-baby adjustment period hits hard. Baby-related chores and schedules can seem endless. Still, paying attention to your marriage helps keep it healthy and gratifying in the long run. According to a 10-year study of more than 100 couples who took part in the Becoming a Family Project at the Psychological Clinic of the University of California, Berkeley, a majority of parents experience a period of higher conflict, less emotional closeness, and less satisfaction with their marriages in the first year or two after a birth. (Less encouraging to hear: the groundwork for many divorces are laid at this time.)

It's not unusual for the baby to feel like a threat to the relationship when the partners are no longer number one to each other. Just remember that you both need to make a special effort to keep the marriage foremost in your minds. The marriage, after all, is the foundation upon which your family is built, regardless of the immediacy of your baby's needs right now.

Some suggestions:

1. Arrange a weekly date night. It doesn’t have to be elaborate; grabbing a bite or going to a movie can give you some much needed ‘together’ time. If you can’t get a sitter, plan on a dinner for two once the baby is sleeping.

2. Plan on doing some baby-related tasks together each week, whether it’s going shopping for baby clothes, preparing meals together, or just taking a long walk with the baby.

3. Let your husband have time alone to bond with your baby. Sometimes, we moms take on all of the ‘baby responsibility,' but you’d be surprised how many dads would like to (and need to!) have alone time with their little one.

4. Call him at work just to tell him you love him.