hat can I do?

This is one of the most frequently asked questions by friends and family members of someone who has suffered a miscarriage. But in many cases, even the woman who has miscarried doesn’t have an answer.

The loss of a child at any stage of life is a devastating and life changing experience, and it can leave a woman feeling extremely alone and helpless. Sometimes she might even feel as if the loss was something that she could have prevented and therefore may be feeling guilty or angry with herself. If this was not her first miscarriage, she may feel that she will never conceive. She also may experience frustration and anger toward people who are currently pregnant or have children.                                                              

What You Can Do
Each woman experiences the loss of a pregnancy in different ways and her needs will vary. Friends and family can serve as a crucial support team. People are often afraid to reach out to the woman (or couple) in need because they fear they may cause more distress.

In my experience of working with women that have miscarried, the most common complaint is that they have felt very disconnected from others. They wonder if people really do care, or if they are too busy with their own lives to even notice their pain. Or they hear comments such as "it happened for a reason", or "don't worry, one out of three women have miscarriages— you will get pregnant again." Though these comments are often meant to be helpful and supportive, they can actually frustrate those who have experienced the loss.

What women who have miscarried actually prefer to hear is, "I am here for you if you want talk" or "I love you and I am very sorry." These are heartfelt statements rather than what I call “fix-it” statements. During this sensitive time, respect is the key. If the couple has not shared this information with many others, it is important to respect their wishes to keep this information private. At the early stages of the miscarriage, a sweet note or email is appropriate.

Don’t Neglect Her Spouse (or Partner)
On another note, it is always important to recognize the spouse (or partner), if there is one, in this situation. Often this person is too busy taking care of the woman to express his or her own feelings. Friends and family can be a great support for here, too.  

Also, try to understand when you do not receive returned phone calls or emails. This period of loss can affect women on an extremely deep level and the time frame for the mourning process will vary.

Most importantly, don't be afraid to give hugs during this time. This can be the greatest gift of all.