Can Mothers Have it All?

ou can’t have it all - or can you? It depends how you define “all.”

I don’t know why it took me so long to figure out that one of the most popular parenting - or rather, mothering - cliches applies perfectly to me.

Maybe it’s because over the last 6 years, I’ve gone through different identities as a mother trying to find the one that fit - much like the different identities I tried out over the almost four decades of my life. There were, for instance, my “I really want a boyfriend more than anything in the whole entire world” teenage years and the ever-famous “I’m going to work so hard and prove myself in my career even though I’m having a nervous breakdown in the real world” twenties.
 
Once I entered my thirties, everything seemed to fall into place. I had husband/house/babies checked off my list, and I was in the fortunate situation where I was able to choose whether or not to have a career outside of the home. That’s when I had to figure out what kind of mothering identity I wanted to have.

I thought I had finally figured it all out.

I was wrong.

I began to feel completely overwhelmed by the amount of time and energy I was committing to the volunteer work. I realized that I was being snappy with my kids and cranky with my husband. And I wasn’t taking very good care of myself. I had become the “trying to do it all and failing miserably” mom.

I had always envied those women who successfully juggled both a rewarding career and a household of well-adjusted kids. And I always felt inadequate that I wasn’t one of them. But instead of giving myself a break, I fell comfortably into the well-worn role of the “always too hard on myself” overachiever.

And then it all changed. With the help and advice from a very wise friend, I remembered that every woman is different. Just because the working mom thing works for some women doesn’t mean it necessarily has to work for me. And that’s not a bad thing. Really? Wow!

You mean I can choose to not have a stressful career and raise three very young boys at the same time? You mean I don’t have to fill every moment of my day accomplishing things? You mean I can find value in what I’ve chosen to do even though sometimes society and my friends who went through graduate school won’t?

I can do everything I want to do in my life. Just not right now. Just not all at the same time. I may not be able to have it all. Or can I?

With a wonderful husband, three hilarious and healthy boys, and some confidence in what I’ve chosen to do with my life, I think I do have it all. And more.