Exploring Four Common Concerns for First-Time Mothers
by Hilary Cooper, Ph.D.
hen my first child was born, I felt a combination of feelings that included exhilaration, excitement, bewilderment, and disbelief. At the time, I worried if I was not up to the task of raising a child. I quickly realized that the process of becoming a mother was like no other experience that I had had before.
As a therapist and researcher, I was interested in how this experience affected other women, so I set out to capture how women felt during this transition to motherhood.
I interviewed first-time mothers soon after the birth of their first child and saw that four major topics kept emerging:
Body Image
Career
Marriage/Relationship
Seeing Themselves as a “Mother”
If you are have just joined the club of new motherhood and can identify with any (or all) of these experiences, know that you are not alone. And there are things that you can do to help ease this transition.
During Pregnancy: While some women say that they feel sexier and prettier during pregnancy than at any other time in their lives, others struggle to accept the changes that their bodies go through. And since many of the women in the latter category have spent most of their lives trying to control the size and shape of their bodies, they can become self-conscious as they watch their bodies change and grow.
After Birth: Some women think that their bodies will go back to their previous size very quickly after giving birth. Unfortunately, this expectation is not realistic, and can actually be detrimental to a healthy adjustment to motherhood.
What You Can Do: Give yourself a break!
You might not believe it, but your body will return to a comfortable shape and size in good time. Although it’s easier said than done, pregnancy and the first weeks postpartum are a time to nurture yourself and your child.
It is so important to find ways to take care of yourself emotionally and physically. Try to connect with your body in a positive way.
A couple of ideas:
Ask a friend to make (or buy) an earthy batch of soup.
Soak your feet in warm water.
Many of us get anxious when our bodies are not the size and shape that we want them to be, but it is crucial that we remember the job of carrying and caring for a newborn is a unique and time-limited function.
My own personal experience: I had a wonderful doula come to my house and make me chicken soup after the birth of my third child. I can’t tell you how comforting that was for me on a physical and emotional level. NOTE: If you feel that you are thinking too much about your body and are unable to think about other things, please speak to your OB/GYN and seek the advice of a professional.
YOUR CAREER
During Pregnancy: Some women become less focused on professional achievement during pregnancy, while others seem to be as motivated as ever.
It is perfectly understandable when work takes a backseat to thoughts about your health or the health of your unborn child. Sometimes, however, it can be daunting to think about the myriad changes associated with motherhood, and becoming even more focused on work during pregnancy can ease some of this anxiety.
There is no singular version of “normal," but if you feel your behavior is extreme, take a closer look at what is driving it. For example, if you are working so much during pregnancy that you are neglecting your own needs, it would be advisable to think about the issues or feelings that you might be avoiding.
On the other hand, many of us need to work for financial reasons, and you don’t want to jeopardize your livelihood if you are too distracted with thoughts about motherhood and pregnancy. Work is important for our sense of self and it is important to strive for a balance.
After Birth: It is difficult to predict how you will feel about work after the baby arrives. Some women are saddened about needing to go back to work after maternity leave while others look forward to returning to the adult-centered stimulation outside of the home.
What You Can Do:
Be clear about how you feel about work right now, but know that these feelings might change.
It is okay to dive into work because you are anxious about the unknown possibilities related to motherhood. It’s also okay to feel less interested in success.
Try to be clear with your boss about your plans. In this age of cell phones, e-mails, and BlackBerrys, you would be surprised by how much work women do during the first weeks of their children’s lives. But be clear about how and when you would like to be contacted by colleagues, clients, and superiors.
Many women are fearful about speaking with their bosses regarding maternity leave. If it helps, human resource advisors might be useful to define the length and parameters of your leave. Know that it might make your superiors anxious to see you take off time, but that does not mean you are not entitled to it.
Don’t feel guilty if you are looking forward to going back to work. If work is something that gives you satisfaction and pleasure, then it will also make you a better mom.
YOUR RELATIONSHIP WITH YOUR SPOUSE OR PARTNER
Most married new mothers say that their lives were changed very little as a result of getting married.
Parenthood, however, changes the relationship in irreversible and surprising ways. We become permanently and biologically connected with our partners. This is very powerful for couples.
Our daily roles also shift. Many women are surprised that parenthood causes couples to become more traditional in terms of the daily household tasks and responsibilities. Studies have shown, however, that even in families where both parents are employed full-time, women are predominantly responsible for childcare and maintenance of the household tasks. This can be shocking to those of us who were raised to be equal to men.
What You Can Do: Don’t think that your relationship is doomed because it suddenly resembles a 1950’s sitcom.
It is difficult to predict how the household will run after the baby is born, but it is important to have a conversation with your husband or partner about your expectations:
How will the bathrooms be cleaned after the baby is born?
Who will do the nighttime feeding when you go back to work?
This will make it easier to talk about how you and your husband - as a couple - will handle household responsibilities later on. Don’t underestimate how this can reduce stress in the relationship.
It really helps if you both recognize that your definition of "neat and organized" might change after the baby comes.
If your partner takes on some of the parenting tasks after the baby is born, it is important that you remember the two of you will have different ways of doing things. You were raised in two different households and have your own unique ways of taking on the role of parent.
Acceptance of each other’s strengths and idiosyncrasies is vital to your adjustment to parenthood.
Also, grab a night out as a couple when you can. You would be surprised by the positive effects of a grown up night out.
SEEING YOURSELF AS A MOTHER The process of “feeling like a mother” and becoming attached to your baby is different for everyone. For some, it happens when the baby emerges from their body; for others, it takes more time.
Your relationship with your child will unfold over time, developing your identity as a mother. Nothing is wrong with you if you don’t fall head over heels in love with your baby right away.
If the idea of being a mother feels overwhelming at first, you should know that you are in good company. Realize that you might be setting yourself up for disappointment if you are expecting to have certain feelings.
What You Can Do: Finding ways to form a connection with your baby is important and this will help you grow as a parent.
My own personal experience: Bath time and feedings allowed me to become more and more attached to my newborns. But no one ever said that you have to be perfect. A famous pediatrician wrote about how important it is to be a “good enough” mother, not a perfect mother.
Those periodic “slips” in our ability to take care of every one of our child’s needs allow our children to grow and develop tolerance.
This has become very apparent to me as I raise my third baby, whose needs are often put on the backburner. He seems to be slightly more patient than my other children and has learned to put himself back to sleep when I can’t get to him right away.
Some children are less predictable than others. Temperament or gassy tummies make some children difficult to satisfy. This is where the concept of “good enough” mother comes in handy. My second child was colicky for almost a year. It was hard for me to remember that I hadn’t caused her difficulties and probably couldn’t fully relieve them. Please remember that you are human and you will only drive yourself crazy if you strive for perfection.
About The Author
Hilary Cooper received her PhD in Clinical Psychology. The findings in this article were part of her dissertation, The Transformation of a Woman’s Sense of Self after the Birth of Her First Child. Dr. Cooper has a background in child development and special education and has worked with children and families for over fifteen years. She is the proud mother of three.
hen my first child was born, I felt a combination of feelings that included exhilaration, excitement, bewilderment, and disbelief. At the time, I worried if I was not up to the task of raising a child. I quickly realized that the process of becoming a mother was like no other experience that I had had before. 
