When I was a kid I thought I’d be a marine biologist when I grew up. Then I wanted to be an architect... then an advertising executive... or a literary agent. The one thing I’ve always known I wanted to be was a father. And there was never any doubt in my mind that my life would include having a family of my own. Even during our ART experience, I felt in my heart that it would work out and I found peace and strength in this belief. So when Cynthia and I learned that the fetus growing inside of her was not viable, the world seemed to shatter around us.

They call it a D&C for dilation and curettage, but what it really amounts to is an abortion. Once it was determined that the fetus was no longer growing, the pregnancy had to be terminated by having it removed. The procedure was done at the clinic. It was very painful for Cynthia, both physically and emotionally. After a short time in the recovery room, I took Cynthia home, both of us knowing that we were finished with fertility treatments. We never heard from either one of our doctors again.

It was several days before Cynthia felt any better. And it took many weeks for us to put that harrowing experience behind us. My wife had been through more than she ever deserved in her efforts to have a child with me - hormone levels bouncing all over the place, bloating, fatigue, endless blood tests, IUI with Dr. Sitcom, getting pregnant, and then finally the ultimate heartbreak. To say this put some strain on our marriage would be a sad understatement. What made matters worse was it started to have a bad effect on my relationship with my stepson. I felt robbed and I couldn’t stand the idea that my wife had a child with her ex-husband, but we were unable to have that experience together. I was irritable and distant - and even though I made the effort to explain to my stepson that none of the difficulties we were having were his fault, my demeanor said otherwise and it was unfair. I was supposed to be the adult and clearly I had some growing up to do.

Seven months passed during which time we did a great deal of healing and soul-searching. The idea of adoption began to resurface, but we found ourselves focusing more directly on our marriage, what we meant to each other, and how our version of happily-ever-after was not dependent on having a child. That February, we went to New York to celebrate our third wedding anniversary. It was a wonderful time - the kind of blistery, spirited winter that we both remembered experiencing as children. We went to our favorite museums and restaurants and we returned to Central Park where we had gotten engaged four years earlier. The joy we had felt in our marriage was back, and I think we both had adjusted to the idea that we were not going to have a baby together. This was when we found out we were pregnant.

How many times had we heard stories of people trying unsuccessfully to conceive, giving up, maybe even adopting, and then finding out they were pregnant? “Just relax and it will happen.” We heard that one more than once. But it feels so different somehow when it’s your own pregnancy - we couldn’t relax, we had to take action! And then after all that action, with no Clomid, no acupuncture, no fertilizer tea, and no IUI, we found ourselves on our way to parenthood.

Lukas Leonard Grossman was born on October 3, 2006. A beautiful, healthy baby boy. Looking back, I wish that Cynthia had not gone through hormone treatments or IUI, and certainly not a D&C. I wish I had handled my disappointment and frustration better and not allowed that to interfere with my relationship with my stepson. I’ve learned that having a baby is something never to be taken for granted and I cherish every moment that I have with Lukas. At least as important, I see that my relationship with Cynthia is stronger and deeper than anything I’ve ever known and I am thankful for that.

It is more than likely that the efforts we made with fertility treatments ultimately had nothing to do with the birth of our son. The painful ordeal we went through nearly broke our marriage before we found our way to make it stronger. Having a baby is not what makes a marriage. But sometimes a healthy marriage can be the best fertility treatment you can get.

 << previous