Coping With a Loss

iscarriage at any point of your pregnancy can be an incredible loss and an emotionally turbulent time. While individual experiences vary, most women undergo emotions ranging from confusion and sadness to frustration and anger. If you’ve suffered a miscarriage, know that you are not alone in what you are feeling, realize that it’s okay (and necessary) to ask for support, and understand that it is possible to start healing.

YOU ARE NOT ALONE
Some miscarriages occur without a known cause, while others result from medical issues. In either case, many women wonder if they’ve done something to contribute to the loss. It is not uncommon to wonder if your body is strong enough to withstand a pregnancy.

If this was a first pregnancy, you might not have even considered the possibility of miscarriage. If you already started planning for your new addition, it is not unusual to feel that this joyful time has been stolen from you. Some women even feel resentful towards other pregnant women who are having healthy pregnancies, especially if they appear cavalier in some of their actions.

Women deal with the emotional impact of their loss in many different ways. You may feel the need to disconnect from friends and relatives for a while. You may not want to socialize or return phone calls. Or you may want to spend some time in the comfortable setting of your home.

Your body and mind has gone through an extreme loss and it is important and healthy to allow yourself the time and space to heal. The time in which a woman grieves after a miscarriage varies from person to person. While the “average” grieving period is approximately six weeks, that is just a statistic. Some women grieve for a much longer period. You should know that is not abnormal to cry incessantly for the first couple of weeks after a miscarriage or to feel depressed and isolated.

THE SUPPORT YOU NEED
During this highly emotional and sensitive time it is very important to get support from your loved ones. Your spouse or significant other may be feeling the loss as well, or could be worried about making you feel worse by trying to help. Also, friends and family may feel as if they don’t know how to offer support. It will be necessary for you to be honest and ask for what you need.

After a few weeks, if the loss begins to interfere with day to day functioning (eating, sleeping, need to self medicate), you should get in touch with a mental health professional. There are many therapists, counselors, and doctors that specialize in miscarriage and infant loss. There are also support groups available that allow you to connect with other women (or other couples) who have gone through the same experience.

STARTING TO HEAL
A number of coping mechanisms have proven to be extremely helpful with women who have suffered miscarriage:

1. Write down your feelings in a notebook or journal. Writing can be very cathartic and healing. These thoughts can be things you share with others, or kept privately. If you feel you would like to share your experience, there are a number of websites with chat rooms to discuss these very personal issues.

2. Take the time you need to heal. No one is judging you. Be honest with your friends and family about what you need and what feels comfortable to you.

3. Most importantly, be honest with yourself. Take walks and baths (when the doctor approves them), and be kind to yourself. You know yourself better than anyone else, so don’t be afraid to acknowledge your feelings. This will be the biggest step in your healing process.